Podcast

The Top 10 Dating Hacks from The Bachelor

03.20.19

Warning: Spoiler ALERT CITY for the season finale of The Bachelor. This week, I’m talking about all of the lessons I learned from this seasons of The Bachelor.  Everything from Colton and Cassie to the infamous fence job; it really was one of the most dramatic seasons in Bachelor history (Chris Harrison was actually right).  This is not a gossip fest or tearing down other women—I am not here to make anyone right or wrong. This is just me talking about common dating mistakes and dating principles.

Ok…leggo.

XO,

Kat

 

1. Integrity is KEY.

What’s word on the street about the person you’re dating?  If there’s a general consensus about this person, maybe bring it up to them so you can clear the air.

 

2. Timing is EVERYTHING.

You can meet the right person, but if it’s the wrong timing or either of you aren’t ready… it won’t work!

 

3. When a guy is into you, he will move mountains to be with you (or jump an 8-foot fence).

Colton was all in with Cassie, and was willing to do whatever it took to prove to Cassie his commitment–even jump an 8-foot fence.

 

4. LISTEN to what he’s saying.

We often hear what we want to hear, as opposed to taking what a person is saying at face value.  If a guy is telling you he’s not ready for a relationship, then he’s not ready for a relationship.

 

5. Be willing to be honest (‘I don’t know’ is not an answer).

Whenever Colton would ask Cassie questions about why she felt not quite ready, her answer was always ‘I don’t know.’ Granted sometimes we actually don’t know, but it usually means we just haven’t done the internal work, or are afraid of admitting to ourselves and the other person for fear of rejection.

 

6. Every opportunity is an opportunity to grow if we choose it to be.

Alabama Hannah (the next bachelorette) was one of this seasons instigators and DRAMA queens.  However, during the tell-all, she owned her behavior, acknowledged how disappointed she was with herself, made amends publicly and privately with some of the girls.  Instead of being defensive, she owned up to her faults, and used it as an opportunity to grow.

 

7. Rejection is protection.

All the girls want to know when they get sent home is ‘why am I not enough?’ and ‘what could I have done differently?’ And it makes me so sad, because it has nothing to do with them! Rejection isn’t a personal attack on you, sometimes you’re just not their person.  Their no, is for your greater good.

 

8. Know what you want.

Knowing what I want in the future helps me walk out the president with clarity, intention, and integrity. It’s okay to change your mind—you don’t owe the guy anything. But if someone walks onto this show unsure if they are ready for or even want marriage, then they are probably shouldn’t be on the show.

 

9. Hannah G.

On the women tell all, she said ‘I deserve a man who is willing to jump the fence with me.’ Which is what Colton did when Cassie was breaking up with him. She saw this and really realized that he just wasn’t as into her.  We are all worth a guy going to great lengths to fight for us.  

 

10. Stay classy.

Ladies, let’s just stay classy. I learned this from Queen Tayshia. At every turn, she chose to take the high road, even when Colton was breaking up with her. She could have been defensive and angry, but she realized that it was about his heart being somewhere else. Yeah, I love to have the last word, but that does not serve me or the other person.

 

Have some thoughts on The Bachelor? Let’s start a dialogue! (Even if you don’t agree with me!) Share your thoughts on IG and tag us! Did you know that outside of @therefinedwoman Instagram account, we also have an account for the podcast? It’s under @therefinedcollective. So head over to Instagram to see all things podcast related.

 

Thank you so much for listening to the podcast and being part of this community! If you enjoy listening, I want to invite you to subscribe to us on iTunes and rate and review us. Search ‘The Refined Collective” on the purple podcast app on your phone. Share your review on IG stories + tag us so we can show you some love!

 

Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey.

Check out this episode!

Podcast

041: How to Online Date Like a Boss

03.12.19

This week I’m chatting with Kait Warman of Heart of Dating—our first repeat guest!! She’s based in LA so we are long-distance gal pals encouraging each other on our journey of singleness. Today, we’re diving into online dating. Kait sets you up with her top online dating tips (and even shares her favorite app). Make sure you tune into her podcast this week to hear me share my tips for online dating! We may or may not break out into song…

Why online dating?

    • Some people think online dating isn’t Godly dating, but God works in all ways.
    • We have to be active in dating. She references a book called “How To Get A Date Worth Keeping” by Henry Cloud, saying “Unless we expect to marry the Amazon delivery guy, God is not dropping a guy on our doorstep.”
    • Worried about sketchy guys? It’s just like the real world. You’ll find some weirdos, but there are also some really great guys on there.

What are the best photos to use?

    • Make sure you’re sharing not just your face, but your personality.
    • Don’t make every photo a mirror selfie, make sure you’re switching things up so that every photo is there for a purpose.
    • At least one photo should be fairly close and very clear so that they know what you actually look like. And throw in a full body photo too!

When is it time to take it from online to real life?

    • Find something you have in common through asking questions. For example, Kait knows that an extreme sports guy is not the right one for her.
    • Make sure you share a core value. Kait always like to know the guy loves Jesus before she goes out with him. She puts it clearly on her profile and if they ignore that, she considers it to be a red flag.
    • A good question to ask is “What are your top 3 things to do over the weekend?” That gives him a chance to share his hobbies as well as if he goes to church.

Top 3 Online Dating Tips:

    • Be patient and open-minded. If you are in the mindset that online dating is awful, then you are going to have an awful experience.
    • Be specific with your questioning and know what you’re looking for—you don’t want to go in blind!
    • Know when to take a break. If you’ve been on for a while and are feeling run down and rejected, step away from it until you feel ready again. Keep your boundaries clear; the apps will always be there.

Kait’s favorite dating app?

    • Hinge! It has changed over the years, and now it lets you answer questions about yourself and set religious specifications.

Final dating advice?

“See the process of dating as an amazing means to meet different people.”

Keep up with Kait at Heart of Dating and @heartofdating. You can connect with her personally on Instagram at @kaitness.

Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey.

Thank you so much for listening to the podcast and being part of this community! If you enjoy listening, I want to invite you to subscribe to us on iTunes and rate and review us. Search ‘The Refined Collective’ on the purple podcast app on your phone. Share your review on IG stories + tag us so we can show you some love!

Did you know that outside of @therefinedwoman Instagram account, we also have an account for the podcast? It’s under @therefinedcollective. So head over to Instagram to see all things podcast related.

P.S. If you want to continue the conversation in a more private setting, join my Private TRW Single Ladies Community!

XO,

Kat

Check out this episode!

Podcast

040: How to Put Yourself Out There and Still Be Pursued

03.06.19

Coming at you with another solo episode recorded from my closet!

One of the number one questions I get is “How do I put myself out there when I want to be pursued?” And I totally get it. I am the type of person who wants to be pursued.

A few years ago, I was dating a guy that I really liked. He asked me out for a date one day and I had a photoshoot I couldn’t reschedule. After a few days, I hadn’t heard from him, so I spiraled. My inner thoughts were ‘I guess we’re done now.’

But then my friend helped me realize… he was always the one initiating every conversation and date. How was he supposed to know that I wanted to go on more dates with him if I don’t communicate with him? Men cannot read our minds, ladies!

It feels safe to be pursued. My guarded heart only wanted him to know I liked him if I 100% knew it was going to be reciprocated. I was terrified of getting hurt.

Here are some ways you can actively put yourself out there:

    1. Communicate your needs

One of my friends came home from an online date so put out about the restaurant her date took her to.  Here’s the thing though:  she didn’t tell him she didn’t want to go there.  He picked it out, ran it by her, and she said nothing.  She didn’t want to be too much.  And shouldn’t he know that’s a crappy restaurant—and if he doesn’t, clearly he has bad taste.  She punished him for not reading her mind.  That’s not fair.  Ladies, you have the permission to communicate your wants and needs.  Let’s reject the lie that we’re not enough and too much all at the same time.  It keeps us small and stuck.  If a guy is so easily spooked by you letting your desires be known, then he is no man for you.  Let’s also stop setting men up for failure by expecting them to be mind readers.  Communicating what you want is not pursuing.  It’s giving you the opportunity to be true to yourself, while also creating an opportunity to let your guy know where you stand.  He then has the option to lean into that or not.  By communicating your needs you’re creating vulnerability, honesty, and an invitation.  And that is way different that a demand.

    1. Be curious

Who doesn’t like talking about themselves?  I know I do.  Allow yourself to be curious to get to know the person you’re interested in.  Asking questions and getting to know him is very low stakes.  Then the next time you see him you can ask, “Hey, how’s that thing going”.  It shows you’re listening, and you care about him.  He was on your mind.  It’s also incredibly easy to practice.  I used to be so scared of rejection that doing this felt like I might as well be walking up naked to a guy proposing.  It doesn’t have to be this way. At all.  Plus, who cares if he thinks you like him.  You do, don’t you? Even if the feelings aren’t reciprocated, like my bestie says, “No one has a bad day when they find out someone has a crush on them”.

    1. Create space

I talk to so many baffled single women.  After spending a few minutes chatting about their day-to-day lives; it’s no wonder they’re not dating.  Every night of the week is spent either at home watching The Bachelor (hey…I love the Bachelor), having a girls night, or going out with the girls.  Your man is not gonna magically appear on your doorstep friend.  You gotta get out there.  And do you know just how intimidating it is for a man to come up to a group of women out at a bar?  If you do go out with the girls, split up.  Or be each others cheerleaders as you take turns going and saying hello to somebody interesting.  We create space in our lives for the things we value.  Part of putting yourself out there is creating space for interactions with single men.

Tell me, friend. Why aren’t you putting yourself out there? Are you hiding behind a fear of failure? Rejection? Getting out of your comfort zone? For more on how to put yourself out there, check out 5 Ways to Put Yourself Out There and Still Be Pursued. Head over to Instagram to share your answers—be sure to tag @therefinedwoman and @therefinedcollective. If you want to continue the conversation in a more private setting, join my Private TRW Single Ladies Community!

Thank you so much for listening to the podcast and being part of this community! If you enjoy listening, I want to invite you to subscribe to us on iTunes and rate and review us. Search ‘The Refined Collective” on the purple podcast app on your phone. Share your review on IG stories + tag us so we can show you some love!

Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey.

XO,

Kat

Check out this episode!