Podcast

017: The Heart of Dating | a conversation with Kait Warman and Kat Harris

08.13.18

Kait Warman is an LA-based lifestyle blogger, inspirational speaker, creator of the podcast “The Heart of Dating”, and co-founder of the creative content company Kait Kat. She is a dear friend and single Christian woman. She is particularly focused on heartbreak and relationships.  And her mission is to empower women to have the courage to own their story, walk in victory, and thrive with purpose. Her hope is that the dating world will change. Today we talk all about navigating the world of dating as Christian women in 2018.

 

Dating Stories: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

  • Kait tells me about her worst date.  She dressed up all fancy for their reservations at a nice Italian restaurant? and he was wearing gym shorts, Nike slides–you know the kind you wear in the shower, and wet hair.  Like did he forget they were going on a date, and remember when he was mid-shower?
  • We talk about how men think women’s expectations are astronomical, but they really are not.  It’s the little things, and the thought and detail that matter. Whether a walk in the park with a coffee, or remembering something specific from a previous conversation and following-up on that.
  • “It doesn’t matter where your bank account is, it matters where your heart is.”
  • “I want you to dress up however you like, and be ready for a surprise evening.” ?the best date Kait has ever been on. (Of course I had to ask her what her best date was if I asked her what her worst date was).
  • There was romantic jazz music, and a French restaurant involved, you guys. And then, they saw La La Land at the Hollywood Bowl with a live orchestra!!  All the feels y’all.
  • She loves when a guy puts thought and research into a date, but recognizes it goes both ways. “We can also plan dates for guys.”

Drop the Hanky

  • We talk about how women like to be pursued.  But also what it’s like to create space in an inviting and feminine way–not manipulative–to let a brotha know you’re interested.
  • Back in the day, a woman would sit in a café, make eye contact with a man, and drop her hanky. This was an invitation for him to come pick it up.  It let him know she was interested in him. How can we practice droppin’ the hanky today ladies?
  • Kait talks about the book How to get a Date Worth Keeping by Henry Cloud and being active in finding a man.
  • “Girl, unless you’re going to be marrying the FedEx guy, God is not going to be dropping a man at your doorstep.”
  • There are so many places to meet a guy, and you gotta to be open to it looking differently than you thought it would look for yourself.
  • Aside from dating, just be open to small conversations with people in the name of being friendly and present. “We just want to be seen.”
  • Practice the art of being curious.
  • “There’s so much beauty in recognizing the value of people, even in small ways.”

The Heart of Dating, The Fear of Dating

  • We all have rocky relationship pasts, but discussion of this came to the forefront of Kait’s life in the last few years.
  • The Bible doesn’t have a lot to say about dating in particular.  But man does it have wisdom. We all need more resources and The Heart of Dating is that resource.
  • “For me, what would be most impactful is just starting the conversation.”
  • Kait recognizes that she has wrapped up her identity in past relationships, and she fears having that happen again.
  • “My whole life battle and journey has been in seeking affirmation in men.”
  • Recognizing fears is one thing, and moving through them is another. We can’t box up fear and let them sit in our minds.  They’ll just fester.
  • “That box is never going to disappear unless you sort through it and get rid of it.”
  • She took the time to write out all of the lies she has been telling herself. Then, she replaced those lies with truths. She took control of her own healing.
  • “God, I am going to reroute my thoughts. I am going to take every thought captive and make them obedient to you. I want to renew my thoughts.”

What She Has Learned

  • We don’t have just one soul mate. Just think if one person in the whole of human existence made a mistake–the whole thing would crumble. The one becomes the one when we choose them, and then continue to choose them each day.  If you want to read more about this, read The Sacred Search by Gary Thomas.
  • It’s important to recognize that we need to be using our time of singleness wisely. This is something we have learned through a mutual podcast guest, Jon Tyson!
  • Give people an opportunity and step out of your comfort zones! Be open to God’s plans.

You can find Kait over at @kaitness and @heartofdating. Go start a conversation with her, friends!

Make sure to head over to iTunes to subscribe, rate, and review. It means the world! If you’ve already left a review, check out this episode to see if I read your review on air!

This episode is brought to you by ME! I made a guide with five days of meditation and prayer. This is our newest freebie so don’t miss out! You can find it here. There is no right or wrong way to use this guide, no matter your faith or meditation experience.

Check out this episode!

XO,

Kat

Life / The Refined Collective

The Refined Collective // Scarcity

08.09.18

At the beginning of adulthood it seems that each revelation creates a lasting change.  You say things like, “I used to struggle with that, until I realized this.”  Growth requires some effort, and yet there’s hope because it seems linear.

A few months later, you struggle with that thing again.  At first it can be confusing.  Didn’t I learn from that other experience?

If the struggle comes around yet again it can be deeply discouraging.  Am I incapable of learning from my mistakes? Am I ever going to stop struggling with this?

The questions and self-doubt can get really ugly. But if you’re lucky, you have a friend who puts it into perspective.

For me, that was a mentor who explained real growth is layered, like an onion.  One part of our heart experiences a revelation, and a while later, that outer layer is peeled off and we deal with the same struggle, but at a deeper level.

This concept brings hope and lots of humility —because I’m not back where I was, and yet there’s always more growth to be had.  Its not as exciting as overnight transformation, but it’s good to know growth is non-linear, and to be free from judging myself every time I struggle with something I thought I’d moved past.

But once in a while growth happens quickly for me – like the day that FOMO (fear of missing out) died.

As I drove to Los Angeles to pick up my parents I was weary from a late night of packing and excited about our vacation plans. But I also felt upset about the timing — one of my best friends, Katherine, was flying in from New York that afternoon for work. She’d be staying at my house and I wouldn’t get to see her.  Another friend was also visiting from the East Coast for a girls’ trip to Santa Barbara.

I’m not sure why I was upset, other than fear of missing out compounded by the fact that quality time with family and friends is rare. Why was everyone in town at the exact same time?   Why couldn’t it all have been spread out over a month or two?

It was hard to understand, and as I drove I argued with God about it.  It was childish, but there wasn’t anyone else to yell at, so I told Him everything I felt, along with a bunch of other stuff that seemed unfair.

And when I was done, to my great surprise, He responded.

Not in words, exactly, but the gist of it was that this was none of my concern, and Katherine would have a bed to sleep in (rather than my couch), and I didn’t need to worry about what I wouldn’t be a part of in Santa Barbara. He loved me, my friends and family loved me, and I wasn’t missing out on anything.

That may not sound comforting, but it was.   It was just so… true.

I burst into laughter and felt a wave of relief. I still didn’t like it, but it no longer bothered me. I would have fun with my family, I’d see Katherine some other time, my friends would have a wonderful time in Santa Barbara and it was okay that I wouldn’t be there for it.

When I got to the station to pick up my parents I felt like a new woman.  But they weren’t there.  I tried to call, but it went to voice mail. The staff didn’t have a record of their arrival.  And then I realized they were arriving the next day.

I couldn’t believe my mistake.  It was frustrating, but as I walked to my car I realized I could now pick up Katherine from the airport!

The timing was perfect.  We drove back to Newport Beach, and since I was completely ready to go on vacation — which wouldn’t have happened under any other circumstance — I was free to spend the evening with her and another friend.  It was wonderful, and I left the next day feeling rested.

A few days later in Yosemite I reflected on the curious absence of FOMO as I watched the sun begin to drop.  When I took this photo the thought that came to me was, “the glass is always full.”  It felt like the completion of what God had said to me earlier.

I marveled at the thought.

I’d love to end the story there, but it wouldn’t be right.  Because ten minutes later I realized my 70-something parents hadn’t come out of the woods yet, and night was falling, and there are no streetlights in Yosemite.

So I ran, truly ran, through a very dark forest to find them, and by the time I did I was scared for their safety and angry about the miscommunication that led to our separation.  My moment of peace and revelation was all but forgotten.

Thankfully it floated back to me that night, and it’s never left.

For the record, I do think we can miss out — but not because we can’t be in two places at once.

We miss out when we won’t commit to someone in case a better option comes along.
We miss out when we refuse to apologize or forgive.
We miss out when we become so fixated on whether we made the wrong decision that we fail to be present to the goodness right before our eyes.

And that’s the real kicker: fear of missing out, in and of itself – is what steals our joy!

The good news is, letting go of FOMO comes down to a choice. When you refuse to entertain fear of missing out, life gets infinitely more enjoyable.

You’re free from the torment of second-guessing your decisions.
You’re less weighed down by jealousy and comparison.
You’re more present to yourself and those around you.
And you’re able to receive the goodness of the moment you’re in.

xo,
Elizabeth

This post is in collaboration with The Refined Collective Series. Be sure and check out the other ladies in this wonderful group Jess Koehler, Jackie Viramontez, Kathyrn McCormick, Yvette Jain, Michelle Kelly, Louisa Wells

Podcast

016: Going Scared a conversation with Jessica Honegger, Noonday Collection

08.06.18

going scared with jessica honegger - refined collective podcast

“She was powerful. Not because she wasn’t scared, but because she went on so strongly despite the fear.”

-Atticus

 

Pause and let that sink in. This episode, I am talking with Jessica Honegger, author of Imperfect Courage, the Going Scared Podcast, and the founder of Noon Day Collection. We’ll be talking about fear — something Jessica is well aquainted with.

Put In the Effort

  • “Stop saying ‘it’s hard’. Start saying ‘it requires effort.'”
  • Noonday started off as a side gig to raise funds to adopt their son. She was making handmade jewelry and before she knew it, she was running a business.
  • “I’m waiting for this point of arrival where things are going to feel effortless, I guess.”
  • When you say something is hard, it puts you in a place of wishing for the past and simplicity instead of leading you forward.
  • Coming back from vacation, she was on the home stretch of her book release, but she shifted her mindset away from the dread and toward the excitement by reminding herself that she chose this path.

Using Your Voice

  • We talk about how changing your language is the key to changing your mindset.
  • You are not a victim of your circumstances. You have a say in how your life pans out.
  • It’s key to personally find your own limiting beliefs, but also vocalize them with someone.
  • She talks about her experience comparing herself to someone else in her area of work.
  • “This is basically jealousy and that’s not living my best life.”
  • We talk about how bringing dark to light gives less power to the shame. (You can read more about this in her book!)
  • Jessica acknowledges that it is completely normal to feel shame, so we can’t be afraid of bringing it to light.

she was powerful. not because she wasn't scared, but because she went on so strongly despite the fear. - atticus

Long Term Relationship With Fear

  • “There are times when fear has been in the driver seat of my life.”
  • She recalls the moment she started getting serious about her business when somebody else wanted to put everything they had into helping her business.
  • She was afraid that the success would be hard and having other people depend on her would be scary. “Success leads to responsibility and accountability.”
  • She notes that it’s possible to fear success and failure at the same time.
  • “I thought ‘I better wait until I’m not afraid.’ The life of fearlessness is a sham.”
  • She shares that there is no such thing as getting around fear, the only way to approach it is to move through it.
  • “Fear isn’t in the driver seat of my life. It’s at the back of a really long limo.”
  • When you move through the fear, you make room for more connection with others in your life.

When What You Fear Happens

  • We talk about the fact that sometimes what we fear does happen! And that is not the end of the world.
  • The key is to not be afraid of letting it be our defining factor.
  • “We need to identify where we are identifying value and worth from.”
  • Take risks and don’t tie your identity to the outcome.
  • Take a step back, and find the source of these fears and tell them, “you are disinvited from my party, you are no longer welcome.”

Embracing the ‘And’

  • You can have fear and have courage, work hard and rest hard.
  • Too often we get caught up in the absolute and think we can only be one thing or the other.
  • “You have an idealized version of yourself in your mind.”
  • We will never have a life fully free of fear, free of jealousy, free of unhappiness, free of stress.
  • Fear of not being enough will keep you locked up from all the happiness and success that awaits you.
  • “We’re afraid if we’re going to stop being frantic we’re going to feel all of our feelings.”

We’ve only just scratched the surface, friends. To hear more about Jessica’s thoughts on this topic, you can read her new book! If you order her book today, it will get to you on August 14th. Get ordering!

This episode is brought to you by the free PDF guide called “Moving Through Fear.” It is full of resources that I hope will help guide you through rejecting the lies in your life and finding the truth.

Check out this episode!