“It’s just that I’m freaking out that I’m getting older, and I feel like I’m supposed to have my life all figured out and I have no idea what I’m doing here,” I was turning 26, and having a quarter life crisis because I was now in my ‘mid-to-late 20s’. I cried to my then 9 year old sister.
“But you’re not the age yet” Grace said.
“You know…the age…”
“What do you mean…the height of my life is over”…yes…I am dramatic.
“Kaffy, you’re not 30, flirty and thriving!”
Oh the wisdom of my baby sister. She was right, and something about what she said stuck with me. That and maybe Jennifer Garner and the movie too.
But ever since then I’ve been so excited to be 30. And even though I’ve been telling people I’m in my 30s for almost a year now. I just turned it a few weeks ago.
And so far it’s incredible.
When I turned 20 I was so insecure with me. Like all of me.
Constantly I flung myself from one extreme of feeling like I was never enough to feeling like I was way too much of a personality.
I was so insecure with my body.
I truly believed I was single because I wasn’t skinny enough.
I was playing tennis and so burnt out and wanted to transfer schools, but was so confused.
I had no idea who I was and what I wanted to do with my life, and felt so much pressure to have arrived, and felt like such a failure for seeming so far from said allusive arrival.
All at the ripe age of 20.
It was crippling. I was overwhelmed. Burnt out. And completely insecure.
Man the things that can transpire in 10 years.
At 30, yes I realize I’m just two weeks in, but here’s how I feel.
I feel more fully me, and more fully alive than I ever have in my life.
I feel grounded.
I feel purposeful.
I am eternally grateful to the beautiful souls that I get to do life with. My family and friends that have surrounded me with love and support. I am humble, and blown away by the people that are in my life.
Of course I have days of insecurity, who doesn’t? But I can honestly say I love my body, and am so grateful the gift of my health.
I love that I can be loud, and goofy, and start a dance party at the drop of a hat. And I love that I love people, and love diving to the depths of the ocean and talking about life, God, struggles, and doubts.
I love what I do, but I know that it doesn’t define me.
I feel eager and excited for life, and what God has for me, for my community, for this world.
And I’ve finally let of the the pressure I’ve put on my life and others to have it all figured out.
It’s not really about what I’m doing; it’s about why I’m doing it.
There’s so much freedom in that.
My vision is to empower women to embrace their beauty, value, identity and worth.
Right now the vehicles for that are my photography, my blog, wriitng, and speaking. The vehicles may change, the vision may morph, and that’s ok.
Because I know whose I am.
And I know who I am.
I know my voice matters.
That I am worthy.
That I am enough.
And guess what…so.are.you.
I believe this is the next chapter of the incredible adventure that I get to call my life. It’s right here, right now, unfolding all around me. On my way to the subway, or shooting a wedding, or snuggling in bed with one of my sisters, or doing acro yoga in McCarren part, or dreaming big dreams and figuring out how to make them realities…all these moments and seasons, big and almost unnoticeable collide together to take me to the next step. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I can’t wait for the next 30 years…I have a feeling they’re going to be pretty wonderful.
P.S. Here are some shots from my Birthday weekend. My friends + family surprised me by flying and and taking me on an adventurous weekend. I feel so overwhelmed with the love of the people in my life!