Life / Sexless in the City

How to Embrace Your Sexuality (even when you’re not having sex)

01.29.19
photo c/o Kat Harris

The amount of DMs and emails I get from women who feel ashamed of their sexual desire breaks my heart.  Your sexual desire is an incredible thing, and I can’t wait to share with you the beauty and freedom there is in learning how to embrace your sexuality — even when you’re not having sex.  

As a Christian woman I am waiting until marriage to have sex.  For a long time, and for a plethora of reasons—fear, shame, insecurity, unfair pressure placed on me by others—I was shut down to my sexuality.  For years, I hid behind baggy clothes; it was like I was afraid someone would find out I was a woman. 

Our sexuality isn’t a switch.  We can’t just turn it off and on; it doesn’t work like that.

Kat Harris

I was taught to shut it down, but then magically be a sex goddess the moment I walked down the aisle.  You know a lady in the streets, but a freak in the bed. But our sexuality isn’t a switch.  We can’t just turn it off and on; it doesn’t work like that.

It was transformative for me when I discovered God isn’t afraid of my sexuality.  He doesn’t think it’s dirty.  Apart of my humanness is my sexuality and desire.  

In the Genesis creation account it says, “God said, ‘Let us make man and woman in our image, after our likeness’…And God saw everything He made, and behold it was very good” (Genesis 1:26,31).

The text doesn’t say God’s creation is good, but actually your sexual desire is a secret , shameful, and dirty—and you shouldn’t really talk about it—and it’s only a thing to be embraced or experienced after you’re married.  

No.  God looked at humanity and said it is very good. That means all of me.

Not just my heart, soul, mind, hands, eyes, and feet.

It means my reproductive organs, and the fluids my body produces when I start feeling turned on are good.

None of it surprises God.  God isn’t panicked when we feel the feels; it’s all His design.

Author and pastor Matt Chandler says it this way:

“…God’s the one who created and wired this whole thing..as he (God) shaped the woman differently (than man), he gave her larger breasts, rounder hips, and a vagina.  He filled the woman with a different hormone, estrogren.  The woman’s body was not the Devil’s idea; it was all God’s doing,”

Matt Chandler (The Mingling of the Souls).

Whether you are abstinent or not, a woman of faith or not, there is beauty and freedom in:

  1. knowing your femininity and sexuality is a beautiful and good thing.
  2. It is not only ok, but it is possible to embrace your sexuality in a healthy way, even when or if you’re not having sex.

So, how do we practice this?  Great question.

Here are a few ways you can implement to start embracing your sexuality:

Invest into Self-Care

How can you show yourself that you are worthy of love and acceptance today?  It’s so easy to think it’s the job of our significant other to make us feel those things.  It starts with how I treat myself. This doesn’t have to mean spending a ton of money on spa days.  It can mean taking a bath with epsom salt, lighting a candle, and listening to soothing music.  It can be going to bed at a decent hour, making your bed in the morning before you leave for work, or doing a moisturizing sheet mask before bed.  How can you show yourself kindness and compassion through self-care?

Put on a Flirty dress

Want to shake things up quickly, throw on a flirty dress or skirt that has movement.  Or if you have a silky blouse that feels good on your skin, put that on with those jeans that make you feel amazing. 

Get into Your Body

Like Beyoncé said, “I’m feelin’ myself’.  Acknowledging your body is a great way to connect with your sexuality. Make a sexy playlist, put on some cute undies and have a dance party in your room.  Go to a salsa class.  Find a yoga class with music you love, and get lost in your practice.

Create something NEW!

Sex makes babies, but sexuality is more than penetrative sex.  Being connected to my sexuality is creating new things not only alone, but in collaboration with others.  My pastor Jon Tyson says there is an eroticism for life, a vigor, a passion, a zeal we can experience when we’re creating.   Light some candles, put on music, and write poetry.  Take a cooking or improv class.  Have people over for a craft night.  The options are endless.

Romance Yourself

When I’m dating, I like to know that my date has a plan.  If you don’t want last minute texts ‘You UP?’, then hold yourself to that own standard.  Take yourself on dates.  Schedule it in your calendar.  Get dressed up, throw on some lipstick and heels.  Show yourself how you want to be treated.  Is there a museum exhibit you want to see?  A new restaurant you’ve been dying to check out?  Make a reservation.  And be present.  Put your phone away—how rude to be on Instagram while you’re on a date! What dates do you want to be taken on?  

Buy Yourself Lingerie

You are worth having nice things on your body regardless of your relationship status.   Sexy panties and lingerie are not just for your husband.  If it’s the only reason you buy nice things, I challenge you to pause.  One of my pleasures (I don’t feel guilty about it at all), is to buy myself nice bras and panties…silky nighties too.  My friend Morgan Cecil Day says it like this, “Your sexuality belongs to you”.  Throw away those ratty undies, and treat yo’self to something nice.    

Practice Receiving

The feminine heart is to receive.  Even anatomically speaking, the woman is the receiver.  Culture says be the independent women who doesn’t need anything from anyone.  To need is weak.  This is such a lie.  It actually takes courage to say I can open my own door, but it’d be nice if you did that for me.  Anytime a guy asks if I want his seat, it doesn’t matter if I’ve been sitting all day long, I receive.  Why?  Because it took courage for him to put himself out there in that way.  I want to honor that, and receive the gesture.  Receiving not only makes me feel like a woman, but it makes a man feel more like man.  Practice letting guys open doors for you, paying for your date.  Can I do all these things on my own? Absolutely.  But they’re small ways to practice receiving. 

So, what do you think of all of this? If it was supportive, I invite you to share it with a friend. How can you start to embrace your sexuality today?  Leave a comment below, or join the conversation on social media + tag @therefinedwoman.  I’d love to hear your heart, and what’s coming up for you!

With you on the journey,

Kat

P.S. If you want to continue the conversation in a more private setting, join my Private TRW Single Ladies Community!




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