I’ve been thinking this morning about my voice. Not the speechbox or the breath in my lungs. But the story I own. The true things I know. And the platform I’ve been graciously given to share those things. On the bad days it’s easy to think “Who am I to share anything with anyone?” … I have very little answers and I will be the first to admit it.
But I have a story, and it is important. And in an age where the witty statuses are plentiful I think we owe it to each other to share this other stuff, the dark stuff. The messy stuff. That stuff brings depth and meaning to the good stuff. I’m starting to sound like that Tim McGraw song now so I had better move on to what I’m actually trying to say.
There is beauty in the broken places, because that’s how we find out we need to be mended, and that’s how we become strong and whole.
Today, I finally have an appointment to see a counselor for Postpartum Anxiety.
I’ve been struggling with this nameless faceless thing for 9 months now. I didn’t even know that’s what it was – Anxiety – until my friend had the courage to tell me to my face that she saw it lurking within me, and that I needed to find a way to call it out of that darkness and into the light.
I just thought I was being overly sensitive to my baby crying – isn’t every mom like that? What isn’t normal apparently is to becoming so completely unhinged that you cannot function at times, cannot sleep for fear she will cry again, cannot work unless she is perfectly at peace.
The most illusive thing is hope when you are dealing with anxiety. Hope that you will ever come out of the fog. But hope there is, and it’s ok if you need to admit that someone out there might be able to help you find it.
The holidays are a wonderful time, but they can be hard times when you are dealing with the kind of stuff that doesn’t fit into a happy status. These can be extra hard times when hard seasons of the soul collide with happy holiday seasons.
I’m not sure how to wrap this up nicely, and I think that might be the point after all. It’s ok to be in progress, it’s ok to be a little broken. Just know that there’s still beauty for you there. You have to look harder but it’s there. And please know that this holiday season there is hope for you. Reach out to someone close to you and ask for help for where to see it. It’s there, I promise. Hold onto it. These seasons will pass for us both, friends.