Honestly I wasn’t sure what type of guy this was. I’m typically not the type of girl that would just kiss a guy in a bar on a Friday night. I should rephrase this…in my entire almost 30 years of living I have kissed 2 guys at a bar…so it’s safe to say I basically never do something like this.
Granted he wasn’t a complete stranger. I’d known him for over a month through some friends, and we spent the better part of an entire night talking before we kissed, but still I’ve never been a huge dater and I don’t really know how this whole dating thing works.
I’ve never “casually dated” in my life. Growing up in the South, I wasn’t allowed to “date” until I was 16, and even then it was few and far between. I’m a tried and true girl that wants to be in a long term relationship. If I ever tried to date multiple guys at a time I think I’d cry, or make a total mess out of it and call someone the wrong name.
Are we dating? Or did we just kiss? Is this supposed to go somewhere, or do I just savor the experience for what it was? Was it bad that we kissed? Am I overthinking this? Oh my gosh, I’m totally overthinking this.
You know what though, for some strange reason I just have this peace about the whole thing. Like I know whatever happens it is going to be ok, like something inside me is saying trust. I have this sense that I am going to learn something pretty spectacular through this whole experience.
In all of this, not just my late night Brooklyn man, I’m trying to navigate through what is a pure and holy interaction with a man? What is me being influenced by a fairly conservative southern Bible Belt upbringing, and at the same time what is me being influenced by a very sexually liberal and quite promiscuous city?
Who is Katherine Harris, the 29 year old single virgin, in the bigger picture of all of this? Not who should I be? What does my upbringing say I should be? Who does culture say I should be? But who am I? What do I believe? How do I want to interact with men?
What is purity? Does even matter? Is it possible in 2015?
And where is God in all of this? Is he shaking his head at me? Disappointed in me for kissing a man that I’m not dating?
How come I don’t feel guilty about any of it?
How come the whole experience felt so beautiful and connecting when it was so outside of what I would consider the Christian dating bubble to be?
It is like I had a taste of something that was very real. I had this strong connection with a great guy, and we both took steps towards the other person, and it was powerful.
And there it is. The invitation. What I love about God is how he constantly breaks through the box that I put him. There is a constant invitation to journey through deeper waters; it’s like he was saying “Hey…I’ve got something for you in this…you up for it?”
Of course I expect to learn something when I’m at church, or when I’m praying, reading, or having a deep conversation with a friend.
What I don’t expect is to make out with a guy, and for God to bring up all these questions about myself that have actually nothing to do with the guy.
So whether or not I ever hear from Him again I’ve decided to appreciate our magical night kissing on the street corner, and keep it as just that.
With Him there was no confusion. No game. No false pretense.
He liked me.
I liked him.
He made movement toward me.
I responded to his movement.
It felt very natural and fluid.
It felt free. I feel free. Is this how it should feel?
So evidently, I have quite a few questions, but I feel ok with that. For some reason I feel free in my questions. Free to be completely me. Free to hope. I feel liberated, because it doesn’t matter if I ever hear from this guy again. If I do, it’s great but. if not, I’m grateful because in our small interactions I have already been given such an invitation to dig deeper into my own life and ask + doubt + learn, and for that I’m incredibly grateful.
P.S. Then I heard from him the next day, and he asked me out…
S T A Y T U N E D …