Podcast

036: How to Pursue Wholeness Before Pursuing a Relationship with Amanda Blair Hopkins

02.06.19

 

Do you have one of those friends who gives the BEST love advice? The type of friend who is willing to call you out and say ‘no, this is not the guy for you,’ or ‘do you seriously not see that he is super into you?’ I hope so, because they’re the best. Amanda Blair is that friend for me. We sat down to record this episode and she shared her story and her dating journey. I even opened up about a recent date I went on and an ambiguous guy friendship I have.

 Remember the phrase I use ‘rejection if protection?’ Amanda is the one who first encouraged me to view rejection this way. “When someone else says no, it’s not a personal attack against us.”

Amanda was also the first one to call me out and say that there was something between me and this guy I was interested in. I realized I kept getting stuck in these male friendships because I would tell myself I was just ‘the friend.’ Nobody was saying this to me, but I kept shutting the door in relationships because I didn’t think I was worthy. I was playing small, so I was attracting emotionally unavailable guys.

 

Reflecting on her childhood, Amanda discovered the reason she has certain patterns in her romantic life. “I was so desperate for someone to tell me that I was worthy and I was good enough… I just let men walk all over me.” After moving to New York and developing an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and men, she began yoga teacher training and began to confront her relationship with drinking. Her anxiety nearly disappeared when she became sober, something I have also experienced in the last six months.

Knowledge alone doesn’t transform us. We can know that a person is bad for us and still want to be with them. Newly in a relationship, the guy she was seeing told her that he saw a future with her that included having a family with her. She fell into Disney Princess Syndrome. But soon after, he ghosted her. “I was done believing that I needed to be saved.”

We so often look to guys to validate us, when deep down it is our past self that needs the validation. When we are upset that a guy doesn’t want us, we don’t need to reach out for them, we need to reach inward and recognize that child in us that just needs validation from our present selves.

Again, knowledge doesn’t transform us… we can still fall back into old patterns. Just because you’re in the pattern again doesn’t mean you’re back at square one. To break an unhealthy pattern, Amanda gets to the root of feelings through journaling. ‘When did you first experience this? Who were you experiencing it with? What did you need from them?’ Through this, we can acknowledge our brain chemistry and rewire it to break patterns and move toward healing.

“The more we block our path up with these ambiguous people or people we’re not really into, we’re just creating road blocks and the thing we want can’t get to us.”

 

“We have to be fully integrated and whole humans to welcome in another fully integrated and whole human.” When we get clear on all of this, we can establish and stick to boundaries that acknowledge our worth.

This was pretty much a normal conversation Amanda and I would have. Isn’t she the best? If you loved Amanda, would you head over to iTunes and let us know what you thought in a review?! It would mean the world. You can keep up with Amanda at www.amandablair.org or on Instagram at @xoamandablair.

Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey.

XO,

Kat Harris 

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