When Kat and I first sat down to talk about turning The Refined Woman into it’s own thing, I remember wondering how it would work when Aaron and I decided to start a family. I worried that I would no longer have time to invest here, or that even worse, I wouldn’t be passionate about it any more.
The opposite happened. The passion to continue to work at this thing has only increased. Something about having a child really helps put your work into perspective – now that she’s in our world I only want to spend time doing what makes me come alive, what makes me happy, what pushes me further down the path of finding my true calling and gifting.
Fast forward to Fashion Week February 2015. After flying 6 hours solo with my 11 month old wild child, I can’t sleep. I’m exhausted to the bone but I’m filled with anxiety and excitement. My husband arrives after his red eye the next morning in New York, we high five at our Airbnb and Kat and I head out to the Kate Spade presentation. The next day I was able to attend the Mara Hoffman runway show as well. Getting there was brutal, I wish I had gone to more shows, but I was there. The entire battle was just showing up.
I have to find a way to celebrate that I made it there, that I didn’t let my tiredness or my fear of flying with my baby (which was pretty real) keep me from going and doing it.
I continually struggle with the desire to not just show up but to show up and want to kick butt. Sometimes, after you arrive at your destination, your baby gets a fever. It’s 10 degrees out. You can’t sleep two nights in a row. Your Uber lands at the wrong address then cancels on you completely. But dammit I SHOWED UP. And I even found a way to enjoy some chicken and waffles.
There will be years I’m able to go to more shows, and I’ll find a new appreciation for the years of struggle. I’m constantly striving to appreciate the reality of my here and now – the little moments in between to savor. I’m constantly weighing the benefits and rewards of everything I do as a mom now, I’m always judging the decisions I make in a new way, and it’s not always healthy. What I want to remember that even though this was a hard trip for me in a lot of ways, there were moments that I wouldn’t trade for anything. I want to remember that I showed up. That I fought for this dream. That I still have fight left in me. That I’m still here.
That’s what counts. I’m still showing up. Even when it’s hard.
And hey, I have photos to prove it.
All photos by Kat Harris.
ps. some of the stuff I’m wearing you can find here. it feels weird to put this at the end of a real talk post but the sweater is on super sale so I feel like it’s pretty much my duty to still add it.